All things are possible . . .

Mark 9:23.  All things are possible to Him who believes.  The only way I can do it is with His help.  Otherwise I would be doomed to failure. 

Reaching Back

. . . I feel myself reaching back to me.  I am feeling that the future me, passed on, is reaching back to me, from eternity . . .

Your Spirit Leads Me

Spring Break.
Missionaries Of The Poor Bethlehem Center.
Kingston, Jamaica.

Your Spirit leads me on by the power of Your love. 
- sung this morning at Mass

Heaven On Earth And Hell On Earth

Spring Break.
Missionaries Of The Poor.  
Mount Tabor, Jamaica. 

Sin is a taste of Hell.  Confession is a taste of Heaven.
- Fr. Vincente Salam, M.O.P.

The more you give, the more you receive.  Be the compassion of the Lord towards others.
- Fr. Vincente Salam, M.O.P. 

Obedience

Spring Break.

Missionaries Of The Poor.
Kingston, Jamaica. 

Morning Homily:
Obedience is an act of faith.  Obedience is putting faith in God instead of in ourselves. 

It Becomes Much Easier

At the start and end of each schoolday, in each grade at the school where I volunteer, a student leads the rest of his or her class in prayer.  My blog entry for today concerns such a student-led prayer.

Last week, a student got up and read a short prayer reminding us that God is always there to help us.  When I heard this prayer, I thought of one particular student in the class who has been having a difficult time as of late.  That particular student is constantly exposed to role models outside of school who encourage wayward behavior.  Given that some of the very people in this student's personal life who should be demonstrating proper behavior are instead showing that student poor examples of how to behave, I found this prayer quite appropriate for this student to hear.  When other people in our lives fall short and consequently disappoint us, we should remember that God always remains waiting for us to ask Him for help.  I hope that this student was cheered by this spiritual reminder.

It's easy to get and remain downtrodden.  It also becomes much easier when we turn to, and rely on, God for the grace and the strength we need to do His will.  May we all call upon Him everyday. 

School Highlights From January

No, the title of this blog entry is not a mistake.  I do not mean February; I do indeed mean January.  I have been busy as usual with teaching.  While I had envisioned blogging more than I have been, the realities of life are that other responsibilities are more pressing.  So be it.

A couple of experiences stand out from school last month.  Both are spiritual.

A few days after Dr. Martin Luther King's birthday, we went to Mass together as a school.  During the service, the priest talked about how someone once said that he didn't want to be remembered because he had won certain awards.  He didn't want to be remembered for the Nobel Prize he had won.  He said he wanted to be remembered for having lived a life of love.  Then the priest said that the person who had said that was Dr. Martin Luther King.  I thought that I aspire to live a life full of, expressing, exhibiting, reflecting love.  I hope I will be remembered for having lived a life in which I have loved. 

Also in January, one of my students in the 7th grade started coming up to me and to other teachers on separate occasions and showed us prayers in a prayer book she has started reading.  The first time she read to me out of it, she pointed to this precious prayer:

Hail, holy Queen, Mother of Mercy, Our life, our sweetness and our hope.
To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve, 
To thee do we send up our sighs, 
Mourning and weeping in this valley of tears.
Turn then, most gracious Advocate, 
thine eyes of mercy toward us, 
And after this our exile, 
show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
O clement, O loving, O sweet Virgin Mary! 
Pray for us, O Holy Mother of God, 
That we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.
Amen.  

Much earlier in the school year, when this same student saw other children ripping leaves off of a tree, she asked me, "Why are they treating that tree that way?  Don't they understand it's part of God's creation?"  

I do grant that I have not been teaching and tutoring that long.  However, in the time I have been teaching, I have not been aware of such love of God and Mary, the Mother of Jesus Christ and God's creation.  I know that such students are rare and are treasures.  I am thankful to be in the presence of this student. 

Second Day In A Row

Today the school didn't open because of extreme cold.  Meteorologists predicted that the high temperature today here in Chicago would be 9 degrees below zero Fahrenheit.

Tomorrow the school again will not open.  The weather men and women are forecasting that the high temperature in the city tomorrow will be 5 degrees Fahrenheit.  However, with the wind expected to be blowing between 15 to 20 mph, and with gusts of up to 30 mph, with the wind chill, it could feel as cold as 39 below.

Last week and this past weekend it was snowing.  Now it's not snowing, but there's a small chance it might snow on Wednesday as well as on Thursday. 

Snow Day! Or Something A Lot Like It

We've been on Christmas Break since the last day of school of the first trimester, which was December 11.  The first day back to school, the first day of the second trimester, originally was supposed to be tomorrow, January 6.

I found out earlier this afternoon that school has been cancelled for tomorrow because of extreme cold.  It's forecast to be 15 degrees below zero Fahrenheit during the day tomorrow.  With the wind predicted to be blowing between 20 to 30 mph, with the wind chill, it could feel like 35 below to 45 below. 

To give a little more detail about the meteorological picture here in Chicago, it snowed non-stop for two days here last week.  It started snowing again yesterday afternoon.  The wind has been blowing, so snow drifts have been developing. 

And to round out the situation from more personal perspectives, I saw one of the school's coaches last week.  When he mentioned that school might be cancelled tomorrow because of the extreme cold, he added that some kids have told him that they're impatient to get back to school!  He explained that he thinks that they miss the sense of community with the other pupils and the teachers and staff of the school.  Despite the challenges I continue to face as a teacher, I am grateful to be part of such a loving and caring school community.  Something to keep in mind as I watch the snow fall on this midwestern winter day. 

You Wouldn't Let Me In

I went to Mass today, a late Saturday afternoon Catholic church service.  During the sermon, the priest told a story which I found particularly instructive, and which is as follows. 

An especially devout woman prayed much every day.  After a long time of such persistent prayer, Jesus told her that because of her devotion, He would visit her the next day.

When she woke up, she eagerly began cleaning her home.  She was also spending much of the day cooking.  In the morning, the bell rang.  She answered the door.  A young child, upset, cried to her that he was lost and couldn't find his family.  He asked the woman to help him.  She replied that she was busy, so that she couldn't help him.

She returned to her cleaning and cooking.  In the afternoon, a middle-aged woman appeared at her door.  The woman outside the door shared that she and her family were poor and that they didn't know how they would be able to eat their next meal.  The woman in the house responded that she didn't have time to help her because she was occupied with her cooking and cleaning. 

The woman in the house recommenced her work.  When it was in the evening, an elderly man appeared at her door and asked for her help.  The woman explained that she couldn't assist him because she already had a lot to do.  The lady kept working and eventually turned in for the night.

During her dreams that night, she saw Jesus in a dream.  She noted, "You said You were going to come visit me."  Then she asked Him, "Why didn't You come visit me?"

Jesus replied, "I came to you three times, but you wouldn't let Me in." 

That's My Sister!

Today was an unusual day.  We had the first school-wide assembly of the year.  We're going to have one every trimester.  Given that the end of the trimester is rapidly approaching, we had the assembly today, since we didn't have much time left to have one.

We started off the assembly with a prayer.  As always, we invoked Saint John Baptist de la Salle, the French priest who did so much to further education in France 300 years ago, and who founded the tradition of Catholic schools to which we belong.  We implored him to pray for us, as we also did at the close of the assembly.

After the opening prayer, we had the students compete in several groups.  We quizzed them, including about facts they had learned in Social Studies, Math and Science classes.  They were excited to compete against each other. 

But before we got to the contest, we teachers handed out awards to the youths we teach in our particular 6th, 7th and 8th grade classes.  Students received certificates for excellence in Social Studies, Science, Math, Literature and Writing.  Students had also voted to decide which of them was the most supportive of his or her fellow students, which pupil motivated others well, and which student was the most organized, in addition to which children have taken other positive approaches at school.  We also recognized particular students for reading in class in a loud voice.

I was enjoying hearing students' names being called, and I was liking watching children walk up to receive their certificates.  Partly I was feeling satisfaction in seeing these young scholars get these awards because I know that some of them have expressed that they wanted to be academically successful, but some of them have seemed to doubt that they could excel in their studies.  After seeing them apply themselves to their work, I felt joyous over their achievement, their advancement, their betterment of themselves.  As I saw students stride up to receive their awards, my eyes grew watery as I repeatedly felt happy for them. 

Given that I was taking in the recognition of these students in this emotional context, I was primed to feel especially touched when one particular boy spontaneously shouted in excitement when his sister won an award.  When her name was called, he proudly cried, "That's my sister!" 

It was delightful to hear his unrestrained enthusiasm and show of affection and love for his sibling, partially since he was cheering her for her intelligence, her motivation, her application of herself and her academic accomplishments.  I do indeed literally pray that I am contributing to such intellectual growth and development in these youths.  I hope that I am helping these students to progress and learn.  I hope that I can be partly responsible for causing children to extemporaneously call out in praise of their siblings.  If I can, hearing such cheer will certainly serve as a reward. 

Willingness

In the last couple of weeks, the Director of Student Life approached me again to check in with me about coaching basketball this winter.  I'd barely gotten words out of my mouth when he said that they had more than enough people to coach, so that they didn't need me to coach.

I'd been wondering how I'd have enough energy to coach.  I'd attended some of the kids' late season fall soccer games, and, as a result, felt not prepared enough to teach on the days following the games.  Consequently, I'd wondered how I'd be able to coach.

Perhaps it wasn't about me actually coaching.  Maybe God only wanted me to truly be willing to do it.  Once I'd honestly said I'd coach, perhaps that was all He had been wanting of me.  Maybe sometimes God just wants to see that we are willing to do more than we think we can do. 

Teaching Immigrants And Feeling A Little Like One

I'm sitting here planning a lesson for the Seventh Grade Literature class I teach.  In Literature class, we're about to start reading a story about a Mexican boy and his father who sneak into the U.S.  All of the students in this Literature class are Mexican-American, so they were interested when we started talking about how we're going to be reading this story about immigration. 

As I was just sitting here planning this lesson, I thought of how, so often when I was a Peace Corps Volunteer in Morocco, Moroccan students would tell me that they wanted to come here to the U.S.  Now that I'm back here in the U.S., I find myself considering the desirability of living in the U.S. from a different vantage point, both for myself and when considering students I teach.  At least one of my current students arrived here in the U.S. a couple of years ago.  I used to teach children who wanted to come to the U.S.  Now I'm teaching students who have made it to the U.S.

As I write this blog entry, I am realizing that I am in somewhat analogous of a position to those of my students who have come here to the U.S.  While there are many significant differences between them and me, nevertheless, like them, I too used to live in another country; I longed to come to the U.S.--in my case, to return to the U.S.--to enjoy living here.  And now, like those of my current students who had wanted to come here from a foreign country, I too came here from a foreign country and am now enjoying the benefits of living here.  And like them, having lived in another country, I can appreciate the blessings of living in the U.S., having the perspective of what it's like to live elsewhere.  Having lived without what I have here in the U.S., now I am much more thankful to God for so many blessings. 

Your Words Have Power

In the Literature class I teach, I try to engage the students, in discussions about what happens in the stories we read, in ways which will challenge them and which will help them to engage in critical thinking.  I ask the students why characters in stories do what they do.  I ask them to explain characters' motivations.  I ask them to support their opinions with examples from the text.

At one point, as a way of both trying to encourage them, to inspire them, and to help explain to them why they need to cite instances in the story to substantiate their viewpoints, as an analogy I referenced how lawyers persuasively support their own cases.  A few days earlier, I had told them that I had been an attorney, so I reminded them that I used to be a lawyer.  I explained to them that in court, attorneys tell the judge how the attorneys think the case should turn out.  I told them that judges then say to lawyers, "Counsel, where's your evidence?"  I next said that just as judges ask lawyers where their evidence is, so too would I be asking them where their evidence is for believing why characters act the way they do.  During that same explication, I expressed to them a long-term view of them I hold.  I shared with them how I honestly believe that some of them truly are capable of becoming lawyers one day. 

A few weeks later, I was talking with an older sibling of one of my Literature students.  She told me that all of a sudden, her younger sister has started saying that she's going to become a lawyer!  I asked her when her younger sister started saying that she's going to be a lawyer.  She said that her younger sister started saying so within the last month, which meant since school has started.  Perhaps at least one student has been listening while I've been teaching... 

Teaching Highlights in September

Although I've already shared the most significant moments during my experience as an LV (Lasallian Volunteer) from September, I thought I'd share my otherwise most notable moments as an LV from September.  They are as follows.

I decided to do a project where my kids and I would collectively write a letter to a friend of mine who served with me as a PCV (Peace Corps Volunteer) in Morocco, and who's still serving there as a PCV.  As I was explaining how to write the letter, I explained to the kids why it's good to ask questions when writing a letter.  I explain that people often like being asked questions because it shows you think you have something to learn from them.  I added that it also can reflect humility. 

We wrote the letter to her.  We told her some things about where the school is in Chicago.  We shared with her some of the things the students are learning.  We asked her some questions about her life in Morocco.  A few days later, we got back a response from her.  With her letter, she helped me to teach the kids how to organize a letter, when to start new paragraphs in a letter, and how to start and end a letter.

At my request, she included some pictures of her and her husband in Morocco.  She attached a picture of herself on a hike.  She attached a couple of pictures of dishes of Moroccan food.  She included a photo of her husband with members of their host family.  The Moroccan girls had their heads covered with headscarves.  When the class was looking at this photo, I heard some of the students murmuring.

I explained, "The girls and the women in Morocco always have their heads covered."

"Why?" one girl asked.

"Their religion tells them to do that," I responded.

"That sucks," she said.

I replied, "Can you find a better way to express how you feel about that?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, try starting your sentence with 'I,'" I suggested.

"I..." she began, and then trailed off.

I re-approached the question from a different starting point.  "Well, would you want to be expected to do that?"

"No."

Refusing to tell her the exact words to say, I asked, "So, what would your sentence sound like?"

"Oh," she said.  "I wouldn't want to have to do that."

"That sounds much better," I told her.

***

On another day, I enjoyed seeing that same girl use her time well.  During afternoon homeroom, students are writing down their homework for the day, and are otherwise getting ready to leave the school for the day.  After she had finished getting ready to leave for the day, other students were still preparing to leave.  As they were gathering their things, she started using the time to sweep up the classroom.  She hadn't been asked to do so, but just took the initiative to use her time well.

***

We read a couple of short stories in Literature Class in September.  In one of them, called "Seventh Grade" by Gary Soto, a boy in seventh grade pretends to speak French in front of everyone in French class to try to impress a girl he likes.  The French teacher knows he can't speak French.  Yet after class, the girl compliments him on his French as the teacher is standing there.  He hopes that the teacher won't expose him as a fraud, thinking that he'll do anything that the teacher wants, having learned his lesson not to bluff like he had done.  In the end, the teacher does not let the girl know.

We talked about the theme of the short story.  We discussed that one should be honest and that God always wants us to tell us the truth.  I added that even though you might not do something as well as you'd like, you should learn from your mistakes, and that next time you can do it better.  As I was saying those words in front of the class, feeling like I didn't know how to teach, that I was often making mistakes as I taught, I wondered, "For whom is this lesson being given?"  

My Own Words As My Guide

I wrote my last blog entry about being flexible.  I explained how one must be open to what one is asked to do, even if it is something about which one knows nothing.  I suggested that even if you're convinced that you're inexperienced, you should embrace what you're requested to do.

The very next day after I wrote that blog post, I was called out on my own words.  The Director of Student Life at school came to my desk in my classroom.  He told me that he would like me to think about co-coaching basketball this winter.

In my honest opinion, I am hardly the person best suited to this task, a conclusion with which, I am fairly certain, many people would agree.  However, I have been asked to co-coach basketball this year.  Therefore, I will be coaching basketball. 

Be Flexible

Last month I stayed at the Abbey of Gethsemani in Kentucky for the better part of a week.  The monks there are predominantly contemplative.  They pray the Divine Office, largely composed of the Psalms, which they chant in unison, seven times a day.  However, they also perform various kinds of work there at the monastery.  They have made cheese and fudge and fruitcake.  Some of them write spiritual texts.  Others plant and grow and pick fruits and vegetables on the grounds of the abbey.  Still others tend the grounds of the abbey.

During my stay at the abbey, I got to speak with a couple of the monks more than once.  One of them entered the abbey when he was relatively young, and he is now elderly.  He mentioned more than once to me that he had authored a booklet containing some of his spiritual musings.  Since he mentioned the booklet to me multiple times, I figured I should pick it up from the abbey bookstore.  Accordingly, I stopped into the bookstore and bought this monk's booklet.  In it he relates how he was asked to change jobs at the abbey.  I took his change of situation as a good example to follow, and as a way to help maintain perspective.  Things could be more challenging than they have been for me, and in additional ways than they already are.

I have a warm, encouraging, sympathetic, patient, accommodating and helpful principal as my boss now.  I have co-workers, both teachers and staff alike, who are pleasant, helpful and supportive.  I work in a calm, serene, sane workplace.

Given that I feel unversed in teaching a group of students with such a wide range of abilities, I have felt severely challenged in this work.  However, I chose this job, unlike the monk I noted above, who was being asked to take on a new position, who knew nothing about the kind of new work he was being asked to start doing.  Further, I am not making this career shift as an elderly person, unlike the monk I described above who changed jobs once he was aged.  He made those changes as an elderly person, being flexible despite his age, adapting to the new and unfamiliar demands made upon him.  I am not so challenged as he was.  As I consider him, I feel called to keep my situation in perspective.  I am reminded that my situation could be more challenging than it is.  And I take him as inspiration.  May we all accept what we are called to do as he did. 

I Must Trust

I received an envelope in the mail today.  I found it very appropriate that I received this particular envelope in the mail this week.  I find it apropos in light of the events I related in my last blog entry, covering my despair from trying to rely on myself, and the grace and the strength I received from God when I prayed to Him for help. 

I had addressed the envelope, as well as its contents, on an index card, to myself three months ago.  Having written the card so long ago, I had forgotten about it.

In June, I attended some workshops at the School of Applied Theology in Oakland, California.  In one workshop, Sue Mosteller, Henri Nouwen's literary executrix, discussed Nouwen's interpretation of Rembrandt's painting of the Return of the Prodigal Son.  In that particular workshop, Sue explained how Nouwen had become enthralled with the art of the trapeze.  She reviewed how one trapeze artist catches the other trapeze artist, who leaps.  She shared how Nouwen viewed the catching trapeze artist as the remarkable one in such interactions.  Nouwen viewed the trapeze catcher's catching as being analogous to God's catching us when we trust in Him.

At one of the workshops, the organizers directed us to write on an index card what we wanted to remember from the workshops.  They told us that they would mail the cards to us soon after each of us had begun our new ventures.  Thus, having just begun the school year a few weeks ago, I only just received the card I had written as a reminder to myself. 

On the index card, I wrote, "I want to remember that I must be trusting Him to catch me; trusting in Him as I take the leap, as I have trusted in Him when I have taken previous leaps, when He caught me then too." 

Why Did You Send Me Here?

This week was not without its challenges for me.  That's to be expected, but the predictability didn't lessen the difficulty.

Amongst the challenges I've faced, I've felt overwhelmed with contact with other people.  I am an introvert for sure.  As I've heard described fairly recently, introverts recharge themselves by being sure to spend adequate time in solitude, a tendency I definitely have.  Thus during this school year, I've felt overloaded with interactions with others, largely by spending so much time in the classroom and otherwise at school.

At one point this week, I was feeling unable to cope with so much contact with others.  Honestly I felt like I was not able to do this job because of the combination of multiple challenging factors.  It entails not only interacting so much with other people, but also teaching students with such a wide range of abilities, and also handling behavioral issues in the classroom, often all at the same time.  Feeling like I simply was not able to do this job, I prayed to God, asking Him, "Why did you send me here when you knew I wouldn't be able to do this job?  Why did you send me here knowing that I would fail?"  I was in the completely wrong mindset to be able to receive the answer.

Later, I was praying to God in a very matter-of-fact way.  Essentially, I was just talking to Him.  Feeling inadequate to do this job, I told Him, "If you want me to do this, you have to give me your grace and your strength.  I literally cannot do this without you."

And with that, I placed myself in a position to be able to receive the answer.  Simultaneously I had taken a posture which allowed me to receive the grace and the strength from God both to enable me to understand His answers to my questions that I had asked Him, as well as to enable me to succeed.  When I had asked God why He had sent me where He knew I would fail, I was trying to do it on my own.  When I stopped trying to do it on my own, when I acknowledged that I couldn't do it on my own, when I admitted that I needed His help, I became able to do it.  Thus, He sent me here, where He knew I couldn't do it on my own, so that I would have to rely on Him.

God wants us to ask Him for help.  He wants us to bother Him.  He wants us to ask Him for the strength we need to do the work that He calls us to do. 

Very soon after I prayed to God, telling Him that I needed the grace and the strength from Him to be able to do the work He has called me to do, He answered me.  I felt a peace settle in my being.  I can describe it somewhat as serenity.  I can also say I became stronger.  I was no longer anxious.  He had given me the grace and the strength I had requested.

Having been rescued by Him, the next morning I found a particular reading very appropriate.  In the morning, as I was gathered with the Brothers of the Christian Schools, with whom I live in faith-based community, at our daily weekday morning prayer session, we were reciting Psalms in unison as usual.  I found it apropos, in light of how God had answered my request so quickly and thoroughly, that we were reciting Psalm 30.  Psalm 30:1-3 reads:

I will exalt you, Lord,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
Lord my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.

Just as the Psalmist wrote, God lifted me out of the depths.  He rescued me from the despair that comes from trying to do it alone.  I called to Him for help, and He did in fact heal me: he healed me from the angst I had been feeling from following the impossible, ill-advised, short-sighted strategy of trying to rely on myself.  He spared me from the extremely unfortunate consequences which would have befallen me had I persisted in that ridiculous, foolish approach.

Glory be to God.  He delivers me.  He gives me the grace and the strength I need to be able to do the work that He calls me to do.  This is what Jesus meant when He said, "Ask and you shall receive."*  If we ask Him, God will give us what we need to be able to do the work which He calls us to do.  

* Matthew 7:7

First Few Weeks Of Teaching, Or, Ask And You Shall Receive

I've been teaching 7th Grade for two and a half weeks now.  I've had a tumultuous start to the school year.  I've faced difficulties in various ways.  In this particular classroom, there are huge gaps in reading and writing skills, familiarity with vocabulary, ability to focus, and in many other areas.  Although there are many other challenges, I'll leave it at that for now.

Amidst all of these difficulties, I've repeatedly felt ill-equipped for this venture.  I've been most concerned at reaching those of the students who are struggling to learn, especially in the context of trying to reach them while I'm simultaneously trying to teach more gifted students.  I've been facing these challenges in the context of suspecting that I am better suited to other types of educational work.  Upon expressing this suspicion to one of the Brothers of the Christian Schools with whom I live, he reminded me, as a way of helping me to see the need to do the work I am called to do right now, "Christ is in those children."  That is to say, he was echoing, paraphrasing and summarizing a dialogue which, at Matthew 25:34-40, Jesus said that He will have with certain people after they die.  Jesus will say,

'Come, you who are blessed by my Father.  Inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world.  For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me, naked and you clothed me, ill and you cared for me, in prison and you visited me.'

Then the righteous will answer him and say, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink?  When did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you?   When did we see you ill or in prison, and visit you?'

And the king will say to them in reply, 'Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me.'

I have long tried to keep these Scripture verses prominent in my mind.  I have tried to let these verses guide what I do, who I choose to help, and how I choose to help them.  It has long been very important to me to aid poor persons, and to do so as well as I can.  Thus when this Brother reminded me that Christ is in these children, I was distraught at the probability that I would not be teaching all of these students as well as they need to be instructed.

Often I hear justice described as persons being accorded their human rights, being given what they need to develop to their full potential.  I've long regarded education as a human right; I've long considered it crucial to someone reaching his or her full potential.

Always justice is defined as all persons receiving their due.  Everyone, regardless of their social standing and economic status, are entitled to what they require to grow.  Impoverished persons must get what they need. 

Thus, being reminded that Christ is in these children, whilst simultaneously knowing that they must receive the best education they can get, and while also feeling ill-equipped to reach all of them, I was extremely distressed.  I was so upset that I thought that I wouldn't wish such angst upon my worst enemy.  At times when I was praying, I was weeping into my own lap, begging God for forgiveness for how I would not be educating these children the way they deserve to be taught.

I prayed repeatedly and persistently.  However, I was not praying obediently and openly; I was not praying for what I needed to do the duty set before me.   Rather, I was praying narrow-mindedly, seeking an escape.  I was seeking to relinquish the reins which had been handed to me.  And I was repeating these petitions, rejecting my duty, in sets of three, over and over.

On a following day, once I was back at the school, at one point I was sitting at the back of the classroom while one of the other teachers taught a lesson.  As I sat looking over the children, into my mind came the phrase, "Take care of my sheep."  The children are God's sheep, to be instructed in His ways.  I realized that I was being told to care for them and nourish them so that they will be brought up in ways such that they will come to live lives which will be pleasing to Him.  I took it as a response to the insistent prayers I had recently sent up to God.

Later that day, after we had eaten lunch, the students were exercising in the gym right after lunch, as they always do.  As I walked along the side of the basketball court, looking out at the children exercising, kicking soccer balls, punching volleyballs into the air, and throwing basketballs at the baskets, again I was instructed.  Into my mind again came the phrase, "Take care of my sheep."

This time the phrase hit me with a poignancy which I had not felt the first time because I had not been aware of the full extent of its meaning.  I had not realized how I was being rehabilitated, because I had not realized how I had fallen.

Once I heard the phrase the second time, in its repetition, I recognized its rehabilitative effect upon me because the repetition echoed its repetitive use in Scripture.  To draw back and provide a fuller, more appropriate context, first let us revisit the night when Jesus was betrayed and handed over to the authorities who tried Him and sentenced Him to be crucified. 

Jesus had explained to Saint Peter relatively early that night that he would betray Him.  As is recounted at Matthew 26:34-35, Jesus said to him, "Truly, I tell you, this very night, before the rooster crows, you will deny me three times."  Peter said to him, "Even if I must die with you, I will not deny you!"  

Later that night, after Jesus had been arrested, Peter had followed Jesus to the building where the council was meeting where He was being tried.  As is described at Matthew 26:69-75,

Peter was sitting outside in the courtyard. And a servant girl came up to him and said, “You also were with Jesus the Galilean."  But he denied it before them all, saying, "I do not know what you mean."  And when he went out to the entrance, another servant girl saw him, and she said to the bystanders, "This man was with Jesus of Nazareth."  And again he denied it with an oath: "I do not know the man."  After a little while the bystanders came up and said to Peter, "Certainly you too are one of them, for your accent betrays you."  Then he began to invoke a curse on himself and to swear, "I do not know the man."  And immediately the rooster crowed.  And Peter remembered the saying of Jesus, "Before the rooster crows, you will deny me three times."  And he went out and wept bitterly.

Countless times, in thinking about how Saint Peter had denied Jesus, I thought, "This is all well and good, but, quite simply put, I will never deny Christ.  It just will never happen.  I am never going to do that." 

However, I have not yet fully related all of the Scripture passages which will give the full context for how I felt when I heard the repetitive reply to my insistently disobedient prayers.  I felt distress at hearing the repetitive answer not because the above Scripture passages reminded me of the similarity of my denial of Christ with Saint Peter's denial of Christ.  Rather, I felt dismayed because the repetitive reply to my persistently disobedient prayers echoed another Scripture passage; in being reminded of this next Scripture passage, I was made aware that I had denied Christ.  

After Jesus was crucified, and after he then rose from the dead, He appeared to His disciples.  At one point he met them on a beach.  They ate together.  As is related at John 21:15-17:

When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?"  He said to him, "Yes, Lord; you know that I love you."  He said to him, "Feed my lambs."  He said to him a second time, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?"  He said to him, "Yes, Lord; you know that I love you."  He said to him, "Tend my sheep."  He said to him the third time, "Simon, son of John, do you love me?"  Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, "Do you love me?" and he said to him, "Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you."  Jesus said to him, "Feed my sheep."  

In asking Peter three times if he loved Him, Jesus was rehabilitating him.  In effect, Jesus was freeing Peter of having denied Him three times.  

Thus, in hearing the words, "Take care of my sheep" the second time, I became aware that I was in need of being rehabilitated.  I became aware that in how I had asked to be freed of these, my present, duties toward these children in whom Jesus Christ is present, I had been denying Jesus.  Jesus had even forewarned me that I would deny Him, and still I insisted that I would not.  He had given me the Scripture passage in which He had told Peter that Peter would deny Him, and in which Peter insisted that he would not deny Him.  Through these Scripture passages, He had already predicted that I would deny Him, and I too had insisted that I would not deny Him.  And I had indeed denied Him by seeking to be free of these, my present duties.  

Thus, when I was there in the gym, when I heard in my head the words "Take care of my sheep" the second time that day, I was reminded of how Peter wept bitterly when he realized he had denied Jesus three times.  My eyes began to well up.  I thought, "I cannot weep here and now.  That would be inappropriate.  I cannot think about this right now."  

You might be able to predict what happened next.  The Lord is faithful to those who love Him, and will come to those who faithfully seek Him, and will take care of them.  Next I heard in my head again the words, "Take care of my sheep."  Again my eyes began to well up.  Again I thought, " I cannot cry here and now.  I cannot think about this right now." 

Later, speaking further with that same Brother, the one who had reminded me that Jesus is in these children, he addressed my concerns.  Responding to how I felt ill-equipped, he noted that Saint Peter was charged with being The Rock upon which Christ built His Church, yet Peter was merely a fisherman.  Saint Peter could have seen himself as being unqualified to do what Christ had called him to do, yet he accepted the vocation to which God had called him.

That same Brother also noted that he could see Jesus laughing.  The Brother suggested that perhaps Jesus was saying about me, "Here he is asking for forgiveness, when he's doing the very thing that I have been calling him to do!"  At that I laughed.  Perhaps I was laughing at my own stubbornness, at my insistence upon perceiving myself at being unable. 

Some time ago I read that the duty to God is contained in the present moment.  I have been trying to live my life in a way which reflects that truth.  I have been attempting to internalize that sentiment, such that hopefully my life provides an example of following one's present duty.

In the midst of trying to accept and perform my present duty, I have felt overwhelmed by all that I am being called to do.  On certain school days, I have felt overloaded.  Feeling unable to process everything that has been required of me, I have felt at times that I have been shutting down.  Conversely, at other times, I have felt pressed beyond my limits.  Consequently, this past Friday, I felt that I was on the path to going thermonuclear, in terms of responding to problematic scenarios in ways which would not reflect magnanimous patience, but which would rather be reflective of having too short of a fuse.  In such tendencies resurfacing in me as of late, I am reminded that I have wished to write here that I do not wish to deceive anyone.  Therefore, I will put it bluntly: I am no saint.  The events of the last month bear such witness, full of evidence showing unfortunate tendencies in me, showing me up as the weak creature that I am. 

Exhausted and drained, feeling like I had no resources with which to enable me to respond to situations appropriately, yesterday I went to noontime Mass downtown at St. Peter's in the Loop.  After Mass, I entered the confession booth.  My voice a gravelly, monotone drawl, I related to the priest how I had regressed, how I had started reacting to challenges in ways I thought I had shed years ago.  I definitely appreciated how he was sympathetic; he shared how he understood such challenges, given how he too used to teach.  He directed me to pray for the grace and the strength from God to empower me to do His will, to do this work which He has called me to do.

I left the Church and made my way to Wrigley Field, where I bought a ticket to watch the Cubs play the Braves from the upper deck.  I'd arrived at the park so early that I took a walk.  I got a slice of deep dish pizza at a restaurant I'd patronized on a visit to Chicago 6 years ago.  Then I went to a cafe and got a cupcake and a glass of milk.  Feeling ill-equipped for the challenges I face, I wept as I sat there in that cafe and ate my cupcake.  I headed back to the stadium.  While I purposely went to the game in an attempt to do something fun, I didn't have as much fun as I felt I could have had; I was preoccupied with the challenges facing me.

At one point in the last few days, I thought of "The Serenity Prayer," as it is often called.  For those of you who don't know it, in that prayer, one implores God, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  I believe that an angel or a saint or the Holy Spirit shared with me that because I am teaching middle schoolers, they are going to misbehave.  Being human beings, and more specifically, being early adolescents, they simply are going to misbehave.  Here is simply stated a fact.  However, at the same time, I can--indeed, I must--deal with such misbehavior.  God grant me the serenity to accept their nature, and the courage to help them, and the wisdom to know when each is called for.

Such was one helpful train of thought I recently have had.  This morning, however, I received inordinately helpful guidance, direction which illuminates and steers me simultaneously in multiple ways, overlapping with a synchronicity which seems brilliant, yet is also beautifully, strikingly exquisite in its simplicity.

This morning as always, upon waking I read the Bible.  I chose to read Matthew 5 for its particular emphasis on encouragement in the face of adversity.  Initially I had thought it would be most helpful since, at the beginning of that chapter, the Beatitudes offer such strengthening counsel.  Yet I received enlightening guidance once I reached the end of the chapter.  At Matthew 5:43-48, Jesus explains,

You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.'  But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven.  For He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.  For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have?  Do not even the tax collectors do the same?  And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others?  Do not even the Gentiles do the same?  You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Right after I read these words, I thought, "Another similar statement could be, 'If you only do what you want to do, what credit is that to you?  For even the worst of sinners do that!  Murderers and thieves do only what they want to do."  And then the necessary following implication sprung into my head, "You must do more than that.  You must do the will of your Father, who is in heaven.  And usually that requires doing what you do not wish to do."  

Next I realized that this line of thinking applies not only to what I am called to do presently, in my current duties.  I realized that it also applies to what I am being called to do after this current year.  In attempting to discern what I'll do after this current year, I've been reading a book entitled "Discerning the Will of God: An Ignatian Guide to Christian Decision Making" by a priest named Father Timothy Gallagher.  In it, Father Gallagher describes how one must be willing to do whatever God is calling one to do, even if it might not be what one initially envisions for oneself.  Indeed, most likely God is calling each of us to a vocation which we don't at first foresee.  When I read this portion of the book, I despaired, and essentially thought that I might as well give up on trying to discern what God wants me to do after this year, since, I felt, I didn't have the requisite mindset to be able to discern His will.  I was too resistant to my life looking too different from how I'd been imagining it.  I hadn't been willing to do whatever He truly wants me to do--even if it is a vocation I might not have been wanting to undertake.  He calls us to be productive in ways we might not choose if left to our own devices. 

Next I thought that essentially God has been asking me, both in my current duties, as well as in my discernment for what will come after this year, "Can you please be productive, even though you don't want to be?"   At the school where I am teaching, when a student is not behaving properly, we ask the student, "Can you please be productive, even though you don't want to be?"  

At the school, I've been finding myself unable to cope with these childrens' inability to focus.  Yet given my inability to focus on what God wants me to do, now, and into the future, how can I lose my patience with these children?  How can I refuse to see past their transgressions, when I simultaneously, and thus quite impossibly, ask God to forgive my sins?  This I know would not happen, as Jesus tells us, right after instructing us to say the Lord's Prayer, he tells us, at Matthew 6:14-15, "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."  

Suddenly it all became clear to me.  I saw that amongst my duties, I must ask these children to be productive.  In following my instructions, and in following my request to do what they might not want at first to do, they will provide to me the example I need.  They will teach me how to follow God's instructions.  They will teach me to also be productive even though at first I might not have wanted to do so.  

Do not think that teaching is the most important thing that I have come to do.  I am to ask these students simple questions.  Most important among the things I have come to do is to cultivate, and, I do humbly pray, prepare fertile ground in their minds, hearts and souls.  There the Holy Spirit will do the most important teaching.  I am not fit to untie the sandal strap on Him who will do the most important work here.  

I have come not only to teach.  I have come also to be taught.  I aspire that in all humility, I may be fertile ground, Lord, for what you have to teach me, and for how you are to shape me.  Lord, let it be done to me not as I will, but as You will.  I am the servant of the Lord.  Let it be done to me as You say.  Amen.