Why Did You Send Me Here?

This week was not without its challenges for me.  That's to be expected, but the predictability didn't lessen the difficulty.

Amongst the challenges I've faced, I've felt overwhelmed with contact with other people.  I am an introvert for sure.  As I've heard described fairly recently, introverts recharge themselves by being sure to spend adequate time in solitude, a tendency I definitely have.  Thus during this school year, I've felt overloaded with interactions with others, largely by spending so much time in the classroom and otherwise at school.

At one point this week, I was feeling unable to cope with so much contact with others.  Honestly I felt like I was not able to do this job because of the combination of multiple challenging factors.  It entails not only interacting so much with other people, but also teaching students with such a wide range of abilities, and also handling behavioral issues in the classroom, often all at the same time.  Feeling like I simply was not able to do this job, I prayed to God, asking Him, "Why did you send me here when you knew I wouldn't be able to do this job?  Why did you send me here knowing that I would fail?"  I was in the completely wrong mindset to be able to receive the answer.

Later, I was praying to God in a very matter-of-fact way.  Essentially, I was just talking to Him.  Feeling inadequate to do this job, I told Him, "If you want me to do this, you have to give me your grace and your strength.  I literally cannot do this without you."

And with that, I placed myself in a position to be able to receive the answer.  Simultaneously I had taken a posture which allowed me to receive the grace and the strength from God both to enable me to understand His answers to my questions that I had asked Him, as well as to enable me to succeed.  When I had asked God why He had sent me where He knew I would fail, I was trying to do it on my own.  When I stopped trying to do it on my own, when I acknowledged that I couldn't do it on my own, when I admitted that I needed His help, I became able to do it.  Thus, He sent me here, where He knew I couldn't do it on my own, so that I would have to rely on Him.

God wants us to ask Him for help.  He wants us to bother Him.  He wants us to ask Him for the strength we need to do the work that He calls us to do. 

Very soon after I prayed to God, telling Him that I needed the grace and the strength from Him to be able to do the work He has called me to do, He answered me.  I felt a peace settle in my being.  I can describe it somewhat as serenity.  I can also say I became stronger.  I was no longer anxious.  He had given me the grace and the strength I had requested.

Having been rescued by Him, the next morning I found a particular reading very appropriate.  In the morning, as I was gathered with the Brothers of the Christian Schools, with whom I live in faith-based community, at our daily weekday morning prayer session, we were reciting Psalms in unison as usual.  I found it apropos, in light of how God had answered my request so quickly and thoroughly, that we were reciting Psalm 30.  Psalm 30:1-3 reads:

I will exalt you, Lord,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
Lord my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.

Just as the Psalmist wrote, God lifted me out of the depths.  He rescued me from the despair that comes from trying to do it alone.  I called to Him for help, and He did in fact heal me: he healed me from the angst I had been feeling from following the impossible, ill-advised, short-sighted strategy of trying to rely on myself.  He spared me from the extremely unfortunate consequences which would have befallen me had I persisted in that ridiculous, foolish approach.

Glory be to God.  He delivers me.  He gives me the grace and the strength I need to be able to do the work that He calls me to do.  This is what Jesus meant when He said, "Ask and you shall receive."*  If we ask Him, God will give us what we need to be able to do the work which He calls us to do.  

* Matthew 7:7

Invitation To Become A Lasallian Volunteer

In March this year, my first-choice volunteer program, Lasallian Volunteers, accepted me. Yet I feel I should back up to give some context of how I came to apply to be a Lasallian Volunteer.

When I was living in Morocco and working there as a Peace Corps Volunteer in the field of Youth Development from 2010 to 2012, I experienced spiritual changes which helped me gain clarity about the kind of life I want to live. While I lived in Morocco, I had a lot of free time. I tried to make good use of my copious spare time, using it to read the entire Old Testament, then the entire New Testament, then all of the Old Testament Apochrypha. I also gradually read all of "The Imitation Of Christ" by Thomas a Kempis, which many feel is the most treasured text in Christianity after the Bible.

Amongst the other Christian writings I read while I was in Morocco, I read "Celebration Of Discipline" by Richard Foster, as well as the accompanying study guide which Foster also wrote. In those books, Foster discusses spiritual disciplines which can help place one before God, which can help focus on God, which can help one commune with God, including prayer, study, meditation, fasting, simplicity, solitude, community, worship, celebration and service. As I read these books, I came to realize that Foster was describing elements of my life at that point in Morocco which I had been enjoying.

Of course I had been enjoying serving impoverished persons through my work as a Peace Corps Volunteer. I had long found fulfillment from helping poor people in a variety of ways, so it came as no surprise that I found satisfaction from serving poor persons whilst in the Peace Corps. 

I had been living simply as a Peace Corps Volunteer. I didn't miss the paycheck I used to earn as a lawyer, nor did I miss the possessions I had shed just before moving to Morocco. Indeed, as I progressed in my Peace Corps service, and came to rid myself of more property, I grew to want to give away even more possessions. Not only did I want to live even more and more simply, I wanted to do so as I simultaneously knew that to do so is an attempt to practice a spiritual discipline.

Before I had read Foster's writings on the spiritual disciplines, I had known in a general sense that the spiritual disciplines present worthwhile spiritual practices. After reading Foster's books, I came to be aware of why they are helpful to one's spiritual development. I further became aware of their importance in my life, and how they relate to each other. I appreciated his exposition on the spiritual disciplines, since upon reading his writings, I was better able to organize my thoughts regarding my spiritual journey and the facets of my life which I hoped to retain in my life once I left Morocco.

Soon after reading these two volumes by Foster, I read Thomas Merton's autobiography, "The Seven Storey Mountain," in which Merton describes how he came to be a Trappist monk. It occurred to me that as a monk, one can live a life of service, and also of solitude, yet also of community, a life which is especially conducive to prayer, meditation and study of The Word Of God.

Accordingly, once I left Morocco, I visited monasteries on my way back to the USA. I enjoyed my stays at Glenstal Abbey and at Mount Saint Joseph Abbey in Ireland. Even moreso I enjoyed my stay at Belmont Abbey in the United Kingdom. There I stayed inside the abbey with the monks for a week, unlike how I had stayed in the guesthouses at the monasteries in Ireland.  From those monastery visits, I found that I enjoyed the company of persons who have chosen to live their lives consecrated to God. 

After having invested my extensive free time in reading which helped me to identify the kind of spiritual life I wanted to live, and after having stayed at and otherwise visited monasteries, I arrived back in the USA in late November 2012 intentionally looking for specific kinds of opportunities to serve others. During my time in Morocco, I enjoyed spiritual community with other expatriate Christians who were also living in Morocco. I would meet up with them for Bible study, sometimes as often as once a week. I cherished the fellowship we shared as we supported each other in our faith as Christians. As much as I enjoyed the fellowship with them, I also knew that I needed more spiritual community than weekly Bible study sessions. I concluded that I wanted to live in a Christian faith-based community. Thus, I arrived back in the USA seeking opportunities to serve poor persons while living simply as a member of a Christian faith-based community, perhaps as a member of a volunteer program.

Although I started looking for such opportunities about a week after I arrived back in the USA, initially I could not find them. I searched intermittently for brief periods for such opportunities, not consistently searching for them partly because I was especially occupied given that Christmas was soon approaching. Even though I had not been persistently looking for these volunteer programs, by the time New Year's Eve arrived, I was starting to despair that I would not be able to find a way to continue serving poor persons while living simply in a Christian faith-based community.

Then right around New Year's Eve, while doing an Internet search, I found the website www.catholicvolunteernetwork.org. On that website, I found numerous opportunities to volunteer. I found full-time options and part-time options. I found chances to volunteer abroad or in many states in the USA. I found programs offering positions where one could teach, be a social worker, volunteer in a soup kitchen, and serve in many other ways. I found programs where volunteers work in connection with friars and sisters. I found programs where volunteers could get health insurance, room and board, and modest living stipends. In short, I found so many volunteering possibilities that I had to start prioritizing which programs were most appealing to me.

Soon I had developed a list consisting of a few tiers of programs with progressively later deadlines. I applied to the first three programs at the top of my list. I filled out long applications with dozens of questions which called for short answers. I asked former work supervisors, pastors and a co-worker to write recommendations for me. Once I had submitted the applications, I began to wait.

After perhaps a couple of weeks, I heard back from Lasallian Volunteers, which was my top choice. They wanted to interview me! I was glad to get this news. I knew that Lasallian Volunteers was a staff organization which was founded by the Brothers of the Christian Schools to run a nationwide network of volunteers. I knew that Lasallian Volunteers places volunteers in positions where they serve impoverished youths, often in educational settings. I wanted to teach. I had enjoyed teaching as a Peace Corps Volunteer in Morocco. When I was applying to the Peace Corps, I enjoyed being a teacher's assistant to a teacher who was teaching ESL (English As A Second Language), and I also enjoyed tutoring people in ESL during that same period. When I was a lawyer, I always enjoyed educating people about the law, which had led me to want to teach in the Peace Corps. So I was excited to interview for a chance to become a Lasallian Volunteer (LV), since I knew that as an LV, I could probably not only teach, but also be a teacher for poor kids. And I was excited to interview to be an LV since LVs live in Christian faith-based community, most of them with Brothers of the Christian Schools.

In preparing for the interview, I learned about Saint John Baptist de la Salle, who founded the religious order known as the Brothers of the Christian Schools. He was a French priest who lived from 1651 to 1719, who did much to further education. While preparing for the interview, I read about middle schools and high schools affiliated with the Brothers, schools which are often called Lasallian schools, and which serve impoverished youths. I also read about other types of sites where LVs serve, including educational centers, a family therapy center, and a retreat center. I also read about the array of positions in which LVs serve, including in the position of teacher, tutor, social worker, campus minister, recreational activity leader, retreat facilitator, and development assistant. On the Lasallian Volunteers website, I also read about LVs who were serving. In all that I read, I got a positive impression of the LV program. As I read LVs' blog entries, I could tell that LVs are happy. As the interview neared, more and more I wanted to become an LV.

The interview lasted over an hour and a half. The interviewer asked me a variety of questions, which tended to revolve around faith, service and community, the main pillars on which the LV program is based. After the interview, I wanted to be an LV even more.

In the days after the interview, I tried to busy myself as I wondered about the status of my application. After a couple of weeks, which seemed much longer, I got word that I was invited to be an LV!  I promptly accepted the invitation to be an LV.  I was happy that I had found a way to continue serving impoverished people, while living simply and living in Christian faith-based community.  I was set to take the next steps on my spiritual journey!